I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
