Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
