the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
