are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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