:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
