my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
