Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
