I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize