Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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