I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
