i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
