My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
