Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
