If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
