new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
