you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
