I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
even my farts smell like vagina
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
