Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
