this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
