i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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