You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
