I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
