Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
