i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
