I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
