Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
