woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
