1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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