So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
