The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
