I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it hurts more in the daytime
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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