just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
