So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
