just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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