she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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