I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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