tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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