my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
