So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
