I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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