If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
