Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
