He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
