I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
two words: eviction party
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
