the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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