yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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