Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
