yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize