Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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