And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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