i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
