My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
