please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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