What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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