Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Randomize
