My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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