pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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