Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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