i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
