So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
