yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
