I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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